Wednesday, 17 September 2003

Personal

Solving all your Transport Problems

Teleporters.

I'm seriously considering jacking in my job to dedicate the rest of my days commercialising teleporters.I was just chatting with someone who was involved in a multi-car collision on the M6 last night, and it came to me in a flash: this could be the answer to everyone's problems. He didn't take me too seriously, but how else are we going to get the freight off our roads?

Just think about it: there'd not even be any need for local distribution networks, once everyone has a teleporter installed at home. Can't think of where to put it? I suggest converting that pokey downstairs loo next to the front door; it's just about the right size, and is full of clutter anyway.

There'd be no more waiting in for deliveries, no more wondering when that package will arrive - there'll all be there, just to the right of the coat-rack (or if you forgot to remove it, splashing around in the bowl of the toilet).

Lift manufacturers will instantly be made redundant; think of all the space wasted in high-rise buildings by those tall, echoing shafts. (Property tycoons: think of the additional floor-space you can rent; consider the health and safety issues of being able to evacuate a building quite literally in a flash.) Or what about being able to hold your weekly progress update meetings in Barbados for a change?

Imagine how convenient it'd be being able to visit your friends instantly. Imagine how useful it would be to be able to 'excuse yourself' from tedious company to go "do something less boring instead". (I can see an early marketing opportunity would be for wardrobe-size teleporters to Don Juans. Ah, beautifully crafted mahogany teleporters with a cedar trim.)

And the roads. They'd be clear, left to those of us who like the quaint idea of taking a slow curve on a back road on an Autumn Sunday afternoon.

I'm sure there's a flaw in this plan, but until I see it you'll find me in the shed practising my carpentry.

Posted by pab at 14:27